Broken Roads of Hope

I have this picture hanging in my room.  I like it.  It's comforting.  It's a picture about journeys.  There are many that we take in life.  Some are grand adventures filled with beauty beyond our wildest dreams.  But some, some leave us broken hearted.  Scrambling to figure out what happened, we often wander away from the very One that can give us peace; that can mend those broken pieces of our hearts.

Five years ago I went through one of the hardest moments in my life; I lost my 16 year old niece to brain cancer.  It's a loss that hit hard, and I'd like to say that I've recovered, but do you ever really recover from grief?  And while I trust that God has everything in control, I still feel the sting.  Sorrow and heartache linger.  Most days you go about your daily life, not appearing to be affected, but no day goes by without a thought sent heavenward.  Wondering, missing.

I was only ten years old when I became an aunt.  One of the perks of having a blended family.  And I can honestly say it has been one of the most honored roles of my life.  They have brought me so much joy and I'm so proud of the young men and women they have grown up to be.  (And yes, it's sorta weird to say that because I'm not that old myself!)  I have so many fond memories with each one of them; all six.  They mean the absolute world to me.  But during this time of year I feel the shadow of sadness creep up and I find myself wanting to retreat into the dark crevices of grief.  Wondering what could have been, my mind gets lost in a sea of precious memories that I hold so dear to my heart.  Thoughts of a little girl, blonde hair and a smile that could light up a room...because she did!

Like the men in the picture, I often feel like I'm on the proverbial road to Emmaus.  Trying to make sense of the things of this earth.  Humanness. The questions that plagued me five years ago are still here today.  Because sometimes life takes us down roads that we don't want to take.  Things happen that just plain suck, that don't make sense and aren't fair.  What I'm learning though, is that it's ok to feel sad and it's ok to not understand.  Grief is a process. 

So, I'm going to keep moving forward.  Trusting.  I may never get the answers that I want.  And I may never make sense of the loss.  But that's ok.  I know Jesus is here.  Just as He was five years ago.  He's never left.  And I trust that one day the tears will be wiped away, the sting of loss will be gone and I will see her again.     



*story 

A Tiny Seed

You know the old saying, ”misery loves company”, well...I often wonder if it's just not that simple.  Maybe it’s not the misery that needs the company, rather the person.  The problem with misery is its affecting.  It’s hard to be around negativity without succumbing to it eventually.  Even though deep down, I don’t think people truly mean to bring others down with them, it’s just simply easier to commiserate together than to rise above the circumstances.

Jesus talked about faith a lot.  Faith is important.  It’s what we, as humans, cling to when all else doesn’t make sense.  Faith has been likened to many things, but none so poignant as a seed.  Seeds are remarkable things.  So tiny and yet so complex; carrying all the DNA needed to create something amazing, something huge.  An acorn produces an Oak tree, a mustard seed produces a mustard plant.  Seeds have the potential to grow into something much bigger than they start out as.  In many ways negativity is like a seed.  It starts out small, almost unrecognizable.  But, if given the chance to take root it will grow into something much bigger, misery.  And just as with seeds that “growth of misery” has the potential to produce many more seeds of negativity.  

Something I have noticed is how aware you can become of the negativity around you when make the conscious effort to be happy.  It’s like you become hypersensitive to it.  Often making it even more of a challenge to not let it affect you.  Several years ago I went through a period in my life where I let my anger, frustration, and just general bad attitude take over.  I was miserable.  And it was so hard to not try and take others down with me.  Not because I wanted them to be miserable too.  Truly, that wasn’t the goal.  It was just easier than dealing with my unhappiness.  Actually, if I am honest, it was easier than letting it go.  Sometimes I think we wear our anger and hurt like a badge of honor.  As if the world owes us because we have suffered some great injustice.  But is discontent an injustice?  Perhaps it’s a pride thing?   

Today was a challenge.  I feel like I’ve headed right into a lions den and boy are the lions miserable and angry.  But I’m determined to not succumb.  I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I’ve grown an “Oak tree of misery” because I let all the negativity take root.  There’s always going to be negative people around.  Some days it might even be me.  But the thing I am learning is it’s all a choice.  You can choose to be angry, bitter and negative or you can choose to happy.  Choosing happiness doesn’t mean that you won’t have bad days.  It doesn’t mean that problems won’t come your way.  And it certainly doesn't mean you won't have low points; days in which you yourself feel that twinge of misery.  It’s just that if you allow a different seed to take root you will find that it can grow into something much more powerful…HOPE. 

A "Funny" Little Tale

Setting:
Location- Whole Foods
Time- today after work

Story:

Man what a week this has been.  I feel like I hit the ground running starting on Monday, and just haven't stopped.  So to say that I am exhausted is an understatement.  I decided to stop by Whole Foods on the way home, because let's face it, cooking was not going to happen tonight.  Upon entering the store I grabbed a basket and proceeded down a few isles looking for something easy to fix for dinner.  Naturally I got stuck in the chip isle...who doesn't when they are hungry?  After hemming and hawing over which one I shouldn't buy I reached for a bag of classic potato chips.  They must have just packed in the new shipment because I didn't just get one bag...in fact several bags fell to the ground.  I proceeded to pick up the chips, hopping no one saw my little mishap and went about my business.  I slowly made my way over the produce isle hoping to find something healthy to balance out my chip purchase.  As I walked in circles for who knows how long I settled on apples.  I know, weird combo, but again super tired and was lucky I was standing up right at that point.  I figured I'd get a couple so I had a few for the weekend.  But just like the chip isle I got more than I bargained for.  Unfortunately that time, a young man who works there came over and helped me pick up all the apples that fell on the floor.  So with a beet red face, I'm sure, I thanked him and scurried on my way.  

Before I got into the store I had silently reminded myself that I needed to get cash back.  I never carry cash but needed some for Monday.  Once I made it to the register my mind was elsewhere and I only remembered after I had almost completed my transaction.  Now the guy behind the register was all of twelve and the store was quite busy at that point, so I should have just counted my losses and moved on.  But instead, I stopped mid-way and said, "Oops, I meant to get cash back."  He smiled and said let me cancel your transaction and you can start over.  Awesome!  Ha, if it were only that simple.  After he politely canceled my transaction I attempted to pay again.  Only this time instead of asking for $10 cash, I ended up asking for 10 cents.  Yup, a whole whopping 10 cents.  I realized my mistake but it was too late at that point.  The young man proceeded to hand me the 10 cents with a weird look on his face and I apologized trying to explain my mistake.  He proceeded to tell me that there was an ATM around the corner and was pretty much ready to move on from the "crazy lady who can't work a simple electronic payment machine".  I'm positive he was thinking I was a complete idiot.  His face said it all!

So before I could embarrass myself anymore I booked it for the door.

Moral of the story:

Don't go to the store when you are so tired you probably seem drunk!

Hindsight

"I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse"  - Philip Yancey 

I came across this quote the other day and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Oh, how true these words are.  However the journey to get to that place of "making sense" of it all can be made up of moments of joy and moments of incredible pain.  I don't pretend to profess to have the hardest life.  I truly have been incredibly blessed and very fortunate.  However, like most people life doesn't always deal the "good cards".  Sometimes you are asked to climb mountains you don't think are possible.  Tested beyond belief.  And too often it's so easy to get stuck even when on the other side of things.  It's like you don't really know what to do with yourself.  You've just been to battle and in so many ways you've won, but there's a piece of you that's lost to the battle.  You feel beat up and bruised.  Months later.  Sometimes even years.  Wondering if you'll ever recover or are you forever altered?

I've often liken my journey of faith to a boxing ring.  Just imagine you are in the arena, the crowd is cheering, and you have no idea for who.  You're getting suited up, gloves on and out of the corner of your eye you see your opponent.  Jesus.  And He's just the man you want to see.  You've got a bone to pick with Him actually.  Life hasn't been going your way, you've been bruised, battered, your heart stabbed by loss and pain, and He's supposedly the one person that can fix that.  Or at least this is what you've been told.  I mean He's God after all.  All powerful, right?  If He only truly knew what you'd been through, how hurt you've been, perhaps He would relieve the burden...even prevent further pain from coming along?  So armed with your “righteous”, at least in your opinion, anger you enter the ring.  Convinced, mostly out of stupidity, that you can actually take Him on.  Yes, I used the word stupid here, but I'm not using it in the way that perhaps it would seem.  So...let me stop here and clarify whilst giving some back story.

I grew up in a christian home.  I don't remember a time when Jesus wasn't mentioned, a meal that wasn't prayed over and church was attended faithfully every Sunday.  I remember going to Sunday school and church camps every summer, feeling as though I was solid in my faith.  My foundation was firm.  However, it wasn't until I went away to college that I began to take a good look at that foundation.  And slowly I began to explore and question what it was that I really believed in.  I should emphasize the word slowly.  Because it really was a slow process up until about seven years ago.  As I look back two things strike me as interesting.  One, had you known me all those years ago, you'd know I never would have even entertained the notion of getting into the ring with God.  You just don't challenge God.  Not to mention, like I said, I thought my foundation was pretty solid.  Two, it was one seemingly harmless decision, all those years ago, that changed that notion.  What has followed has been nothing but gloriously messy unstable ground. 

Ok so why did I say stupid?  Because the mistake I often find myself making is that Jesus doesn't already know the pain I've buried deep inside my wounds.  You see, He knows every part of me.  He knows every wound, every scar, every fear that drives me into that ring.  He knows the pain.  I believe it's what drove Him to the cross all those years ago.  He LOVES me.  Anger and all.  There isn't a thing I can do to change that.  Which is good news!  It's something that has taken a lifetime {and I'm still learning} to recognize, the last seven being a catalyst.  In fact as I look back I believe He wanted me to get into the ring.  Honestly, it's been in those “knock em' out fights" that I've come to see Truth.  Love.  Exposing all my hurts and fears has allowed a freedom that I never knew possible.  While I believe that God is a gentleman and will never push His way into our hearts.  I have no trouble believing that He will use any means to poke and prod us into engaging with Him.  To get us to turn toward Him and start getting personal.  Real.  He wants a relationship.  Dialogue.  Does He want us hurt?  NO.  Does He cause bad things to happen?  I don't believe that.  What I do believe is that what was intended for harm can be used for good.  God good.  He's weaving a beautiful masterpiece in life.

So...here's where I find myself at today.  Once again in the ring with Jesus.  Attempting to challenge all that I thought I knew.  Exposing myself once again.  And as I prepare to take yet another swing I can see Him stretch out His nail-scared hands, whispering..."I know.  It's ok.  I love you.  I'm still here.  And everything is going to be alright.”

Are you uncomfortable yet?

“We can’t change much if we won’t risk much.”  - Bob Goff

This past week has presented quite the challenges.  Some good, and some just down right annoying.  Challenged are like that though.  Sometimes you can see the good in them and sometimes you just can’t.  Like finding ants in my apartment, ick.  But getting promoted at work; well…

Here’s the thing, I am excited for the opportunity.  I have worked hard.  So it’s nice to be acknowledged for that.  But I’m also extremely nervous.  Perhaps that’s the nature of “good” challenges though.  If they don’t challenge you they don’t change you.  And often for the better.  This is definitely a challenge that will change me.  Without going into too much detail, because it’s extremely hard and downright boring to explain what I do, I have been asked to take a more center role on an account that is often difficult to say the least.  Quite frankly, there is just more responsibility.  And while I’m not one to run from responsibility, I think it’s easy sometimes to get comfortable where you are at.  And that’s exactly where I was at work.  Comfortable.  So I’m not going to lie, I was tempted to turn it down out of fear.

I have spent a lot of my life avoiding the uncomfortable.  In fact, it’s no secret to those who know me that I don't tend to like change.  I tend toward routine.  So when I get into a space of knowing exactly what I’m doing I don’t want it to change.  But I’m learning that life isn’t meant to be comfortable.  In fact I think God prefers it that way.

Several years ago I was about to embark on a major life shift.  And it was scary and exciting all at the same time.  I was going after a dream but I also had so many hurdles to overcome.  I remember clearly one day calling my mom from work in tears because I saw no way things were going to work out.  I was smack dab in uncomfortable and I didn’t like it.  I was willing to do the work required of me to follow my dream, but I just couldn’t see beyond the chaos.  I couldn’t see beyond my fears.  It was in that moment that my mom told me to “stop, and pray.”  So right there, in a parking lot, admits tears and frustration we prayed.  And then I picked myself up and went back to work.  God did answer my prayer that day.  In fact He did, literally a couple minutes later.  But that was only the beginning of being uncomfortable.  I would spend the next two years chasing a dream that left me both exhilarated and exhausted.  I was out of my comfort zone almost daily.  But, it taught me an amazing fact; that if there is only one constant in life it’s change and that more often then not change is going to be uncomfortable.  Yet, it’s in that uncomfortable that we do the most growing.  

So I am trying to see beyond the fear, running toward the things that scare me and make me nervous.  Challenging myself daily.  A little over a year ago I started my current job.  And it’s been a whirlwind of daily trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing.  While I have no idea where I will be in a few years, I’m learning to like the feeling of uncomfortable.  I’m starting to see it as a sign of good things to come.  But mostly I know God will show up in the most spectacular ways.  And I just simply can’t wait to see what He has in store for me.  All I need to remember is to stop, pray and then pick myself back up and keep moving.