Hindsight

"I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse"  - Philip Yancey 

I came across this quote the other day and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Oh, how true these words are.  However the journey to get to that place of "making sense" of it all can be made up of moments of joy and moments of incredible pain.  I don't pretend to profess to have the hardest life.  I truly have been incredibly blessed and very fortunate.  However, like most people life doesn't always deal the "good cards".  Sometimes you are asked to climb mountains you don't think are possible.  Tested beyond belief.  And too often it's so easy to get stuck even when on the other side of things.  It's like you don't really know what to do with yourself.  You've just been to battle and in so many ways you've won, but there's a piece of you that's lost to the battle.  You feel beat up and bruised.  Months later.  Sometimes even years.  Wondering if you'll ever recover or are you forever altered?

I've often liken my journey of faith to a boxing ring.  Just imagine you are in the arena, the crowd is cheering, and you have no idea for who.  You're getting suited up, gloves on and out of the corner of your eye you see your opponent.  Jesus.  And He's just the man you want to see.  You've got a bone to pick with Him actually.  Life hasn't been going your way, you've been bruised, battered, your heart stabbed by loss and pain, and He's supposedly the one person that can fix that.  Or at least this is what you've been told.  I mean He's God after all.  All powerful, right?  If He only truly knew what you'd been through, how hurt you've been, perhaps He would relieve the burden...even prevent further pain from coming along?  So armed with your “righteous”, at least in your opinion, anger you enter the ring.  Convinced, mostly out of stupidity, that you can actually take Him on.  Yes, I used the word stupid here, but I'm not using it in the way that perhaps it would seem.  So...let me stop here and clarify whilst giving some back story.

I grew up in a christian home.  I don't remember a time when Jesus wasn't mentioned, a meal that wasn't prayed over and church was attended faithfully every Sunday.  I remember going to Sunday school and church camps every summer, feeling as though I was solid in my faith.  My foundation was firm.  However, it wasn't until I went away to college that I began to take a good look at that foundation.  And slowly I began to explore and question what it was that I really believed in.  I should emphasize the word slowly.  Because it really was a slow process up until about seven years ago.  As I look back two things strike me as interesting.  One, had you known me all those years ago, you'd know I never would have even entertained the notion of getting into the ring with God.  You just don't challenge God.  Not to mention, like I said, I thought my foundation was pretty solid.  Two, it was one seemingly harmless decision, all those years ago, that changed that notion.  What has followed has been nothing but gloriously messy unstable ground. 

Ok so why did I say stupid?  Because the mistake I often find myself making is that Jesus doesn't already know the pain I've buried deep inside my wounds.  You see, He knows every part of me.  He knows every wound, every scar, every fear that drives me into that ring.  He knows the pain.  I believe it's what drove Him to the cross all those years ago.  He LOVES me.  Anger and all.  There isn't a thing I can do to change that.  Which is good news!  It's something that has taken a lifetime {and I'm still learning} to recognize, the last seven being a catalyst.  In fact as I look back I believe He wanted me to get into the ring.  Honestly, it's been in those “knock em' out fights" that I've come to see Truth.  Love.  Exposing all my hurts and fears has allowed a freedom that I never knew possible.  While I believe that God is a gentleman and will never push His way into our hearts.  I have no trouble believing that He will use any means to poke and prod us into engaging with Him.  To get us to turn toward Him and start getting personal.  Real.  He wants a relationship.  Dialogue.  Does He want us hurt?  NO.  Does He cause bad things to happen?  I don't believe that.  What I do believe is that what was intended for harm can be used for good.  God good.  He's weaving a beautiful masterpiece in life.

So...here's where I find myself at today.  Once again in the ring with Jesus.  Attempting to challenge all that I thought I knew.  Exposing myself once again.  And as I prepare to take yet another swing I can see Him stretch out His nail-scared hands, whispering..."I know.  It's ok.  I love you.  I'm still here.  And everything is going to be alright.”