It Was The Size Of My Face

Story Time:

Today was just like most every other day.  I drove home, came into the house and proceeded to cook dinner.  While I waited for dinner to be ready I decided to clean up my room.  After opening the blinds to my slider door I noticed a spider.  But not just any spider...one the size of face!  Ok, perhaps I am exaggerating.  But still, the sucker was huge.  And he had taken up residence on my porch.  His web spanned the area and blocked my escape out.  I know, I know, I'm being dramatic, but hang on. The story gets better.  

So, being the "brave" person I am I decided to show this spider whose house this really is.  But what the heck was I going to kill it with?  And then it hit me...a broom!  However, as brilliant as my plan was, guess where my broom was?  Yup, outside in the laundry closet, on the other side of the spider and web.  This didn't stop me though, oh no.  I recovered from this blow and realized that I have a second broom.  One I had bought to use "inside" while the other is for "outside".  My momma didn't raise no fool!  

Now, at this point perhaps I should mention that I had a support system the whole time.  Because let's face it the spider out weighed me.  The whole time I was on the phone with my sister trying to explain to her my problem and the hugeness of this spider.  She was so supportive and encouraged me to be brave.  So...I opened the slider door, took one step out and used the broom to knock the web down.  This might have been a mistake.  You see, this must have been like some sort of ninja spider.  Because he swung on the part of the web attached to his butt and landed on the door of the utility/laundry closet; just out of reach.  After recovering from my mini freak out session, I proceeded to get rid of the rest of the web.  At this point I had two options.  Leave the spider where it was and pray that it moved on in life.  Or take the broom and smack the heck out of it.  I chose option number 3.  

If you remember, I am still using my "clean" broom at this point.  And no one wants ugly spider guts all over a clean "inside" broom, right?  Right!  I took a deep breath and opened the utility/laundry closet door to get my "outside" dirty broom.  But picture this, I couldn't' just walk underneath the spider, I mean, what if it fell on my head or something.  A legit concern in my book. 

Mmmk, so side story.  As a kid I remember watching several different TV shows when we went to visit my dad and step mom.  They would cook dinner and then all four of us would sit and watch TV together.  It was nice to have that family time.  One of the shows we always watched was MacGyver.  Anyone else remember that show?  MacGyver was freakin awesome!  He could jerry-rig just about anything to defuse a situation.  And I'd like to think that because of watching that show I made it out alive today.  But I digress.   

Anyway, I managed to put my own McGyver skills to good use and I used the "clean" broom to maneuver the "dirty" broom out of the closet.  Phew...I know!  But now was the hard part.  I had to actually get the spider.  Ok, so all you non-spider people out there you will know that this isn't a task to partake in lightly.  You see, spiders can smell fear and they can also sense hesitation.  So if I was going to be successful in my task I was going to have to hit it with one blow and knock it senseless.  After a mini-pep talk from my sister I decided to go with plan B, knock it on the ground.  Yup...that was my brilliant plan.  I know, right!  Whatever...I took the broom and lightly brushed the spider off the door, or at least attempted to.  The freakin thing was still hanging onto it's web remnants.   The good news is I did manage to get it off the door, the bad news...it ran underneath the washing machine.  

Aaaah!  I was defeated.  There's no getting him now.  So I packed up my brooms and headed for shelter to regroup.  And I would like to say that my sister was very supportive at this point, but she hit me with reality..."I'm not sure why you thought hitting him with a broom would even work?!"  Um...what?  That was a brilliant plan big sister of mine.  This must be some like super ninja, genius spider.  And I was lucky to make it out alive.  

So...my plan tonight folks is to ignore the fact that he's still out there somewhere.  And ignore the fact that he has now cut me off from my washer and dryer.  Guess I'll have to go buy more underwear tomorrow.  I'm hoping that he will either come to his senses and move on in life, OR I will be more stealthy next time.  The first being the better option.  Guess we will find out in the morning.  

Wish me luck!


Oh...and here's the spider:

Shells

Change is hard.  

Ok, I know what you are thinking..."Duh, who doesn't know this?"  And you are right.  I think we hear people say that all the time, and quite frankly it becomes cliche and falls on deaf ears.  But it is a truth none-the-less.  What I find most hard about change is staying in the present.  I often focus to much on where I was.  

Let me explain.  A few years ago I began to focus on getting healthy.  Mostly because of some health issues, but also, quite frankly, I was tired of being fat.  So I began to eat differently and exercise.  Slowly, my body changed, and weight came off.  People began to treat me differently though.  People noticed me.  Compliments poured in from those close to me and also from complete strangers.  And it’s not been lost on me that guys treat me differently.  I mention this only because I find it weird to be noticed now.  So I’ve tried to convinced myself that I must be different.  That I must somehow be prettier now.  But deep down inside I still feel like the "fat girl".  And it's hard to not beat her up for being so.  You see, many of the people in my life right now never knew me at my biggest.  They’ve only seen the me now.  Mostly because I’ve gone to great lengths to hide any photo evidence.  It’s still to hard to let people see that me.   What people don’t always know is how weird it is to be treated differently when you don’t feel different.  Yes, I’ve grown and changed over the past few years. When you become healthier physically, your mental health usually follows.  Or perhaps it’s been visa-versa?  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m more positive.  Happy.  Perhaps this is what people see?  But I know I am nowhere near my goals (perhaps more on that later).  So this “new me” is often something I just don’t see.    

Change often comes at a price.  Scars.  I’m not just talking about physical ones.  Although, I do have some.  As anyone who has struggled with weight knows, stretch marks are a brutal reality.  They are often a lasting reminder of the weight we carried and the pain it caused.  But there are also deeper scars.  The ones that hide beneath the surface.  I’m not going to lie I am my worst critic.  I wished I could somehow see what others see.  I have set many goals for myself.  And while many of them focus on weight, there are several that go way beyond that.  The in-between is hard though.  While you aren’t were you were, you aren’t were you want to be.  And it’s here where the “old you” meets the “new you”.  

I think most of us would like to be known for more than just our shells.  Whether we are drop dead gorgeous or “not-so-much” (which by the way is all perspective!) all people long to be known.  To have people see beyond the outside.  I remember one time asking a dear friend what my “good” qualities were.  I remember she paused, looked at me and began to speak both gently and firmly the truths she believe about me; kind, warm, funny, generous, loving, thoughtful, strong…the list went on.  Now, please don’t misunderstand me I don’t repeat the list out of vanity.  Trust me I struggle to believe most of what she said that day.  And yet, her words pierced me.  She touched on what I so desperately want to believe…that I am more than my shell.  No matter what shape it’s in.   

So as I venture forth into this “new me”, I can’t help but want to cling to the “old”.  Sometimes I think she keeps me humble.  But mostly because the “new” is scary.  I am beginning to see beyond the scars.  But as I change I pray that I remain who I have always been.  A beautiful reflection of Him.