Change is hard.
Ok, I know what you are thinking..."Duh, who doesn't know this?" And you are right. I think we hear people say that all the time, and quite frankly it becomes cliche and falls on deaf ears. But it is a truth none-the-less. What I find most hard about change is staying in the present. I often focus to much on where I was.
Let me explain. A few years ago I began to focus on getting healthy. Mostly because of some health issues, but also, quite frankly, I was tired of being fat. So I began to eat differently and exercise. Slowly, my body changed, and weight came off. People began to treat me differently though. People noticed me. Compliments poured in from those close to me and also from complete strangers. And it’s not been lost on me that guys treat me differently. I mention this only because I find it weird to be noticed now. So I’ve tried to convinced myself that I must be different. That I must somehow be prettier now. But deep down inside I still feel like the "fat girl". And it's hard to not beat her up for being so. You see, many of the people in my life right now never knew me at my biggest. They’ve only seen the me now. Mostly because I’ve gone to great lengths to hide any photo evidence. It’s still to hard to let people see that me. What people don’t always know is how weird it is to be treated differently when you don’t feel different. Yes, I’ve grown and changed over the past few years. When you become healthier physically, your mental health usually follows. Or perhaps it’s been visa-versa? I don’t know. I do know that I’m more positive. Happy. Perhaps this is what people see? But I know I am nowhere near my goals (perhaps more on that later). So this “new me” is often something I just don’t see.
Change often comes at a price. Scars. I’m not just talking about physical ones. Although, I do have some. As anyone who has struggled with weight knows, stretch marks are a brutal reality. They are often a lasting reminder of the weight we carried and the pain it caused. But there are also deeper scars. The ones that hide beneath the surface. I’m not going to lie I am my worst critic. I wished I could somehow see what others see. I have set many goals for myself. And while many of them focus on weight, there are several that go way beyond that. The in-between is hard though. While you aren’t were you were, you aren’t were you want to be. And it’s here where the “old you” meets the “new you”.
I think most of us would like to be known for more than just our shells. Whether we are drop dead gorgeous or “not-so-much” (which by the way is all perspective!) all people long to be known. To have people see beyond the outside. I remember one time asking a dear friend what my “good” qualities were. I remember she paused, looked at me and began to speak both gently and firmly the truths she believe about me; kind, warm, funny, generous, loving, thoughtful, strong…the list went on. Now, please don’t misunderstand me I don’t repeat the list out of vanity. Trust me I struggle to believe most of what she said that day. And yet, her words pierced me. She touched on what I so desperately want to believe…that I am more than my shell. No matter what shape it’s in.
Let me explain. A few years ago I began to focus on getting healthy. Mostly because of some health issues, but also, quite frankly, I was tired of being fat. So I began to eat differently and exercise. Slowly, my body changed, and weight came off. People began to treat me differently though. People noticed me. Compliments poured in from those close to me and also from complete strangers. And it’s not been lost on me that guys treat me differently. I mention this only because I find it weird to be noticed now. So I’ve tried to convinced myself that I must be different. That I must somehow be prettier now. But deep down inside I still feel like the "fat girl". And it's hard to not beat her up for being so. You see, many of the people in my life right now never knew me at my biggest. They’ve only seen the me now. Mostly because I’ve gone to great lengths to hide any photo evidence. It’s still to hard to let people see that me. What people don’t always know is how weird it is to be treated differently when you don’t feel different. Yes, I’ve grown and changed over the past few years. When you become healthier physically, your mental health usually follows. Or perhaps it’s been visa-versa? I don’t know. I do know that I’m more positive. Happy. Perhaps this is what people see? But I know I am nowhere near my goals (perhaps more on that later). So this “new me” is often something I just don’t see.
Change often comes at a price. Scars. I’m not just talking about physical ones. Although, I do have some. As anyone who has struggled with weight knows, stretch marks are a brutal reality. They are often a lasting reminder of the weight we carried and the pain it caused. But there are also deeper scars. The ones that hide beneath the surface. I’m not going to lie I am my worst critic. I wished I could somehow see what others see. I have set many goals for myself. And while many of them focus on weight, there are several that go way beyond that. The in-between is hard though. While you aren’t were you were, you aren’t were you want to be. And it’s here where the “old you” meets the “new you”.
I think most of us would like to be known for more than just our shells. Whether we are drop dead gorgeous or “not-so-much” (which by the way is all perspective!) all people long to be known. To have people see beyond the outside. I remember one time asking a dear friend what my “good” qualities were. I remember she paused, looked at me and began to speak both gently and firmly the truths she believe about me; kind, warm, funny, generous, loving, thoughtful, strong…the list went on. Now, please don’t misunderstand me I don’t repeat the list out of vanity. Trust me I struggle to believe most of what she said that day. And yet, her words pierced me. She touched on what I so desperately want to believe…that I am more than my shell. No matter what shape it’s in.
So as I venture forth into this “new me”, I can’t help but want to cling to the “old”. Sometimes I think she keeps me humble. But mostly because the “new” is scary. I am beginning to see beyond the scars. But as I change I pray that I remain who I have always been. A beautiful reflection of Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment