Today was just like most every other day. I drove home, came into the house and proceeded to cook dinner. While I waited for dinner to be ready I decided to clean up my room. After opening the blinds to my slider door I noticed a spider. But not just any spider...one the size of face! Ok, perhaps I am exaggerating. But still, the sucker was huge. And he had taken up residence on my porch. His web spanned the area and blocked my escape out. I know, I know, I'm being dramatic, but hang on. The story gets better.
So, being the "brave" person I am I decided to show this spider whose house this really is. But what the heck was I going to kill it with? And then it hit me...a broom! However, as brilliant as my plan was, guess where my broom was? Yup, outside in the laundry closet, on the other side of the spider and web. This didn't stop me though, oh no. I recovered from this blow and realized that I have a second broom. One I had bought to use "inside" while the other is for "outside". My momma didn't raise no fool!
Now, at this point perhaps I should mention that I had a support system the whole time. Because let's face it the spider out weighed me. The whole time I was on the phone with my sister trying to explain to her my problem and the hugeness of this spider. She was so supportive and encouraged me to be brave. So...I opened the slider door, took one step out and used the broom to knock the web down. This might have been a mistake. You see, this must have been like some sort of ninja spider. Because he swung on the part of the web attached to his butt and landed on the door of the utility/laundry closet; just out of reach. After recovering from my mini freak out session, I proceeded to get rid of the rest of the web. At this point I had two options. Leave the spider where it was and pray that it moved on in life. Or take the broom and smack the heck out of it. I chose option number 3.
If you remember, I am still using my "clean" broom at this point. And no one wants ugly spider guts all over a clean "inside" broom, right? Right! I took a deep breath and opened the utility/laundry closet door to get my "outside" dirty broom. But picture this, I couldn't' just walk underneath the spider, I mean, what if it fell on my head or something. A legit concern in my book.
Mmmk, so side story. As a kid I remember watching several different TV shows when we went to visit my dad and step mom. They would cook dinner and then all four of us would sit and watch TV together. It was nice to have that family time. One of the shows we always watched was MacGyver. Anyone else remember that show? MacGyver was freakin awesome! He could jerry-rig just about anything to defuse a situation. And I'd like to think that because of watching that show I made it out alive today. But I digress.
Anyway, I managed to put my own McGyver skills to good use and I used the "clean" broom to maneuver the "dirty" broom out of the closet. Phew...I know! But now was the hard part. I had to actually get the spider. Ok, so all you non-spider people out there you will know that this isn't a task to partake in lightly. You see, spiders can smell fear and they can also sense hesitation. So if I was going to be successful in my task I was going to have to hit it with one blow and knock it senseless. After a mini-pep talk from my sister I decided to go with plan B, knock it on the ground. Yup...that was my brilliant plan. I know, right! Whatever...I took the broom and lightly brushed the spider off the door, or at least attempted to. The freakin thing was still hanging onto it's web remnants. The good news is I did manage to get it off the door, the bad news...it ran underneath the washing machine.
Aaaah! I was defeated. There's no getting him now. So I packed up my brooms and headed for shelter to regroup. And I would like to say that my sister was very supportive at this point, but she hit me with reality..."I'm not sure why you thought hitting him with a broom would even work?!" Um...what? That was a brilliant plan big sister of mine. This must be some like super ninja, genius spider. And I was lucky to make it out alive.
So...my plan tonight folks is to ignore the fact that he's still out there somewhere. And ignore the fact that he has now cut me off from my washer and dryer. Guess I'll have to go buy more underwear tomorrow. I'm hoping that he will either come to his senses and move on in life, OR I will be more stealthy next time. The first being the better option. Guess we will find out in the morning.
Wish me luck!
Oh...and here's the spider:
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